I was seven when I had a sexual encounter with a group of older boys engaged in masturbation. They mercilessly teased me during and after this incident and I was humiliated. As I got a little older, immersing myself in pornographic images became a way of escaping from this humiliation and sexual insecurity.
When it became available, I turned to internet porn whenever I felt bored, lonely or stressed. I married and had two children. But as a result of my obsession, I often ignored my health and failed to meet family and work obligations.
My marriage ended after 14 years.
When porn no longer provided the kick I needed I started making connections with anonymous partners online including men, women, and couples. Even though I tried to have stable, healthy relationships, my compulsive behaviours always returned. Each time I was initially able to conceal my activities with lies and deceit. But inevitably I could not manage the complexities of constantly hiding my double life and was repeatedly “caught”.
With the painful end of yet another relationship I went to my first SAA meeting. Here was a place where I did not have to keep secrets.
After attending meetings regularly for some months and being honest about my behaviour, I found a sponsor and started working the 12 Steps. I reconnected with my sense of integrity and rekindled my moral and spiritual conscience. I had over two years of abstinence from compulsive sexual behaviour and started dating again. I slipped once but never stopped going to meetings and being honest about my addiction. By being a sponsor I help others find long-term relief from their own demons. Life still challenges me in many ways. But I have a new way of facing difficulties without retreating into sexual fantasy or acting out. When things get tough, I have the support of a caring community of recovering sex addicts. SAA has changed my life.