As an only child, I was showered with attention. But as I grew older, my parents became remote and unaffectionate. I felt empty, abandoned and alone. I felt entitled to attention and became increasingly desperate to get it by any means. As far back as I remember, I was attracted to men. From my early teens I poured over menswear catalogues, and fantasized about attractive men I’d seen on TV. I started cruising parks and gay bookstores.
My initiation into my addiction involved being forced into a sexual act I did not want by an older man. Rather than feeling shamed and scarred, I felt that I had discovered how get the attention I craved so desperately. Within a week I went back. I found dozens of public places for cruising, spending sometimes hours a day. Later, the internet became my gateway to even more sexual liaisons.
I’ve had over 10,000 sexual partners. Over the years there were many close calls with being arrested and being fired my job. I was extorted, suffered from STDs, and became an alcoholic. Somehow I was able to establish a stable relationship with a man who loved me. But I could not stop my behaviour for long.
My life crumbled when I was caught. Shaken and distraught I came to my first SAA meeting. But I was not yet ready to honestly face my addiction. I abandoned the program for three years and continued to cruise for anonymous sex while deceiving my partner. Two year ago the relationship ended for good. I started coming back to meetings ready to commit to recovery, to be honest with myself and others, and to start working the steps with a sponsor. It is too late to save my relationship, but never too late to save myself.