When I was seven, a friend showed me some pornographic pictures in her parents’ room, and the seed for my sex addiction was planted. At 15, I started masturbating with pornography after finding some magazines in my brother’s room.
I had not been taught healthy ways to process the fear and anger I constantly carried with me, and I used sex to avoid feeling these emotions. Comparing myself to women in pornographic magazines, I felt like I could never measure up physically and sexually to other women. This fear plagued me well into adulthood.
When I was in grade 10, I started living a double life. By day, I was an honour student and after school I would act out with boys I knew in places where we risked getting caught. I felt a powerful high when these boys expressed surprise that such a “good” girl could do what I was doing. I thought that maybe with my acting out “talents” I could get a boyfriend and finally feel loved.
These patterns continued throughout my 20’s. I yearned to be taken care of sexually, emotionally and financially as I had never learned how to take responsibility for meeting those needs myself. I risked getting an STD on several occasions and became pregnant one time.
In my late 20’s I started acting out with married men and hit my first bottom when I started fantasizing about stalking one of these men. I stopped acting out on several painful behaviours for a few years, and came to SAA after hitting another bottom with internet pornography. SAA is helping me to heal at a deep level and I am starting to love myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am no longer alone thanks to SAA, and I have hope for a happy life.